I feel as though he has other important things in his life besides me. I am trying to stick by him, especially since I know that he is going through a difficult time. His grandfather just had heart surgery, he is trying to find a job in a town which has none, he is living here with me and doesn't have his own place. I know. I get it. I love him and I know he loves me too. But recently, he hasn't been showing me his love, or telling me he loves me every morning like he used to.

My heart is trying to stay faithful. But I have been getting these romanticized feelings for someone else, someone who I have only been talking to via MSN and who I only "met" on Sunday. Already however, he is making me feel like I am a queen. Something I haven't felt in a while now.

The kicker? He's 29.

Oh, he's also not into relationships. He wants to make me his pet, and he be my dom. He has two other pets, both males, but I don't know. I just legally became an adult not too long ago. 

But still, when I talk to him, my heart sings. I look forward to talking with him. I'm going to a convention in March, and he will be there. I am scared of meeting him. What if I do get even more attached?

I wish this wasn't confusing. I wish I could get a completely straightforward answer.

Hell, I am practically living 50 Shades of Grey. Isn't that every woman's dream?

My Rose, my wild flower. I feel so guilty for not seeing the signs sooner. If I did, who knows where our relationship would be? Maybe we'd be a couple, having our difficulties, but making it through. Or maybe we would have split up, and not talking, and being mad at one another. The last thought, I cannot bear. So while I do feel guilty, I also cherish what we do have, and I am thankful for you. I know you say that I have helped you, but in reality, you've helped me a lot more than you might think. I could, and still can, always run to you with my problems. And I want you to know that you can always do the same. My heart always has enough room for you.

You are right. I will read your posts on here. And in a way, I try hard to believe that they are for someone else. I suppose I'm just scared, scared that if my feelings develop into something else, that I will be hurt terribly. I really don't want to be hurt. I feel as though I am in a good place right now, I found out that I only need seven credits, then I can go to college, and become all that I want to be. My boyfriend and I are going through some rough weather, but I am sure that will pass. I love him, and I know that upsets you to no end. But I love you too, and I don't know how to deal with these emotions. Maybe one day I'll find out, but I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted.

I cannot think about what my parents would say if we ever were together. My dad would support me, even though he wouldn't like the fact. And my mom, well, she would either flat out deny it or try and get me to break up with you. That's why, if the chance ever should arise, I would wait until I am out on my own. I still feel trapped by my parents, even though I am now considered an adult by law. But I am dependent on them, for food, for shelter, and for transportation.

I guess Xanga, the site that we so hate, is the only way we can talk about this. I am disappointed that this is the case, I wish we could talk about it more openly, but if this is the only way for now, than so be it. Perhaps our little 'date' will see more results. I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want to say something that would cause you to cry. Because my Rose, my wild flower, when you smile or when you are laughing, that is when I can feel my heart sing.

            Pros

1. I probably have more morals than most people my age.
2. I have better respect for the elderly. Actually, I have better respect altogether.
3. I was brought up listening to bands like The Beatles and The Monkees.
4. I was brought up watching Three's Company and The Golden Girls.
5. I had a sense of family.
6. I was brought up with tradition.

            Cons

1. I was not allowed to do most things.
2. I wasn't allowed to play video games simply because I was a girl.
3. My family was strict.
4. I was brought up with the idealism that kids should be seen and not heard (probably contributed to my social anxiety today).
5. I had really odd chores.
6. I had to grow up faster than most other kids.
7. My grandparents died when I was young.

My dad was born in 1949 and my mom was born in 1965, so they were also brought up strictly as well. In some ways I'm glad I had this kind of upbringing myself, while in other cases I could go without it. I did rebel when I was 14, 15, 16. But now I respect my parents more. I'll try to being up my children the same way, but leave out certain things.